Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
