he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Randomize
