Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
