when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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