You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
