i permit you to call me
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
