I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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