first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Randomize
