Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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