today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
