i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
