i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
