You just made me feel so damn special
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
