I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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