Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
