Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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