i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
