I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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