You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
