Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
