I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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