once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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