Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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