I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
