Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i think my cat just said my name.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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