Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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