you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
