shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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