thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
