dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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