after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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