Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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