i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i drank out of a bidet.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
