My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
accomplished twins. life is a go
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Randomize
