Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
