i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
