I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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