Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
