so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How external is "for external use only"?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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