and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
