the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
