laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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