Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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