I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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