you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
this just has baby written all over it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
