I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
