Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
