This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
