recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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