so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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